What Dreams May Come
by TheDarkBecomesYou
Summary: You are a legacy Ben Solo. You have limitless potential. Ben Solo didn't know where the voice had come from, only that it whispered things to him. Bad things. Terrible things. It wasn't just the promise of power. The was the pledge of companionship and the desire for purpose. And one day Ben simply followed the voice into the darkness.
1. Chapter 1

Ben Solo had difficulty sleeping. Not just on the nights when the wind howled through the trees on Yavin 4, but also the nights when the wind was silent. It was in the darkness that he always felt the creeping pressure in his mind as if someone was trying to steal his thoughts. Or no, perhaps that wasn't right, it seemed like they were attempting to take some of his thoughts and replace them with thoughts of their own.

The worst part about his inability to sleep was the voice, the quiet but insistent voice that terrified him. Its whispers were the worst at night when everything else was silent. It spoke of his fears and his desires, but worst of all it spoke of his loneliness.

It warned him that his father didn't really love him, that his mother only loved the idea of him. It reminded him of all his failures and told him that he would always be the big eared, scared little boy.

That night Ben lay awake in his bed trying to shut the voice out.

 _You're a weak, pathetic little boy._

 _No one could ever really love someone like you._

 _I see what is inside your mind, foolish little boy._

 _You know this to be true._

Ben felt the warm tears come unbidden. He felt them slide down his cheeks and onto his night shirt. Before long it was completely damp.

 _You want someone to notice you?_

 _But you can't do anything right._

 _You make your father unhappy._

 _You make your mother cry._

 _You'll never be the child they wanted._

At nine years old Ben felt he was too old to slip out from his cot and climb in bed with his mother. His father always sent him back to bed, though his father had been gone the last week on a job, and Ben hadn't spoken to him. But he craved the reassuring strokes of his mother's fingers through his hair.

 _You cry because you know it is true._

 _Your father is gone because he can't stand to be around you._

 _Your mother buries herself in work because of you._

 _They both want you to leave._

The sobs wracked his body as he rolled over onto his stomach and buried his face in his pillow to absorb the sound.

 _Its all for the best really._

 _You don't want to be who you are._

 _You wish to be someone else._

 _Someone stronger._

"Ben?" The door to his room slid open, and his mother's voice was a comforting sound.

"Ben, what's wrong?" She whispered.

He trembled into the pillow as he felt the pressure shift on the bed as his mother sat down beside him.

"Ben, please tell me what's wrong," his mother pleaded.

"I can't," he cried, "I can't." But he pulled himself up from the pillow and sat up.

"Why not?" she asked.

"Because," he hiccuped at the interruption to his crying, "I don't know what's wrong."

His mother pulled him into her arms and let him lean his head on her shoulder.

"Did you have a nightmare?" She asked even though she knew that it was the lack of sleep and not dreams that were breaking his spirit.

"No, it isn't a dream. I just, I keep hearing this voice," another sob wracked his small frame. "It just reminds me of everything bad about myself."

Leia looked at her son, his dark hair clinging to his face from the tears and sweat, his nose running down to his lip. He was miserable. She reached forward with the hem of her sleeve and wiped his nose and with her other hand she brushed the hair away from his face. His hazel eyes were staring at her pleading.

"Does this voice tell you to do things?" She asked.

 _Your grandfather would have been so disappointed in you._

"No," his voice was cracked and dry sounding, "it just tells me that I'm stupid and that you and dad don't love me."

 _It is everything you already know to be true._

Leia's heart constricted, "Ben, you know that your father and I love you, more than anything in the entire galaxy." She pulled him closer and kissed his forehead. "You make every day worth living for me," she smiled at him.

"Please don't listen to that voice, it's just your insecurities speaking. It isn't real. We all feel that way sometimes."

 _She feeds you lies because she's afraid of your power._

Ben pulled away, "It's not sometimes mom. It's all the time. I don't know what to do. I can't sleep, and I just feel so angry all the time."

 _Anger is power. Remember that._

Leia had a thought, but it wasn't quite fully formed. If she couldn't help him understand then maybe someone else could. Maybe Luke? The last thing in the world that she wanted was to send him away from her. She wanted always to be able to defend him, to hold him, to wipe the tears and the snot from his face.

"What do you think about going to Uncle Luke's academy?" She asked.

 _Your Uncle is a weak fool too._

 _Just like your father. Just like you._

He shook his head, "I don't want to be like Uncle Luke. I just want to feel normal."

"But you aren't normal honey, you'll never be normal. You come from a lineage that is greater than just you. It's a responsibility you have to protect the galaxy like your father.

 _Your father is a selfish, absent, prick._

Ben snorted, "Dad isn't protecting the galaxy, he's off swindling people for money. I don't want that. I want to be something else. I want to be strong, mom. I don't want to feel angry and scared all the time."

 _Fear and anger are the beginning of true power._

Leia nodded. "In order for that, you have to accept who you are. Once you know who you are then, you will start to feel what is right." Her hand ran through his hair, and she pulled him in for another hug. This time, he didn't pull away.

 _She will try to change you. Try to make you someone else._

"Do you think that going to train with Uncle Luke will help the voice go away?" His eyes searched her face for what he needed to see.

 _You won't find it with her._

"Of course, it will help," she said. But her eyes told him something else. "After your birthday this year, we will have you visit Uncle Luke at the academy and see if you want to stay, okay?"

 _She lies to you again._

He nodded slowly, "if it helps."

 _I can show you how to be whole._

 _No one else knows your pain._

 _I can help you use it._

The rest of the night Ben lay curled up next to his mother, clinging to her as if she were his last piece of sanity.


	2. Chapter 2

_What Dreams May Come_

Chapter 2

At age ten, Ben Solo was terrified.

He had always been fearful, scared of the voice that whispered to him in the dark, but now he knew it wasn't just in his head. Someone, as yet unnamed, was speaking to him across the galaxy, like a long distance game of comm links. He wasn't quite sure how this _thing_ dialed into his head, but it listened to everything and in the end it made him feel less alone.

They said things to him, the things he so desperately wanted to say aloud. The worst part about this intruder was that it made his head throb when it spoke for long periods of time. His skull often pounded to the point he would clutch at his temples and tearfully wish the pain away. He would try to reach out to anything in a desperate need make the agony go away. It was something he was beginning to grow accustomed to. Although when the voice was angry, the pain became sharp and stabbing and Ben didn't know how to get rid of it. He had once screamed so loudly in the night that all the mirrors in his family home had shattered.

His mother had taken him to several excellent doctors thinking that these chronic migraines were something manageable with medication. But Ben had failed every test the doctors put him through. And while they tested him, the voice was a persistent whisper in the back of his mind.

 _They think something is wrong with you little Ben. If you tell them about me, they will think you are crazy. Oh, how it would break your mother's heart._

At first, Ben had thought it was the Force speaking to him. That is was whispering to him the truths he didn't want to believe. The snake-like presence in his mind was teaching him the ways of the Force. It knew things that Ben didn't even know. It spoke to him about things he didn't think possible. It wrapped around unformulated ideas and began to develop them. They were always little things, the sound of slight annoyance in his mother's tone would turn into a constant reminder of his failure and disappointment. The holocalls from his father that were always too short and never satisfying enough turned into the fear of worthlessness and rejection. The rejection was a splintering feeling, like a break in the ice that could soon turn deadly.

"Hey Kid," his father said with a smile, leaning into Ben's room.

"Dad!" He squealed, jumping off his bed and dashing towards his father. "When did you get back?"

His father, the great Han Solo, pulled him up into a stiff embrace.

"I got back last night, didn't want to wake you," he said as he pulled away.

"But Dad," Ben said. "You know it's been a month since you were home last. You could've woken me up!"

"Well," Han paused, running large hands through his disheveled hair. "Your mother thought you needed some good rest."

Ben shrugged, his mother always dictated the terms of Ben's relationship with his father. Or so the voice had told him.

 _He is too weak to stand up to her, and he is too foolish to understand what you need._

"Are you excited about beginning training?" His father asked, a twinge of something Ben didn't recognize in his voice.

 _They're sending you away. They don't think they can handle you anymore._

"No," Ben said sullenly.

"Why not? You'll learn all sorts of useful things." His father smirked, "I bet it could help with your piloting skills."

Ben grimaced, he didn't need another reminder about how terrible a pilot he had become. He was too nervous when flying, too full of anxiety. He misjudged distance and range; he had trouble remembering all the calibrations that needed to be in place. He especially had difficulty listening to the airy feeling that rose in his chest when he was soaring. That feeling was something altogether different than the voice in his head. It was a feeling that didn't speak to him. No, it moved him. But he only felt it sometimes, and usually, the voice was louder, more demanding and easier to understand.

"Well, breakfast is ready anyway," Han said trying to change the subject quickly when he noticed Ben's embarrassment.

They walked out together, and Han took a moment to share about the places he had been this trip. The wide worlds of Bespin, Corellia, and Coruscant. His father had been _everywhere_ , and Ben had desperately wished to go with him. He wanted to see the wide expanse. Although he was afraid that seeing how massive the galaxy was might make him feel even smaller.

Breakfast was blue milk, flatcakes, and slices of piping hot nuna bacon. His mother barely said a word as she set the table and poured their drinks.

"Well," Han said through a mouthful of bacon, "don't everyone talk all at once."

Ben grinned. He always liked his father's straightforward manner. He admired it because he wanted to be able to speak like that too. His mother also spoke in that matter-a-fact manner as well. Ben seemed to have inherited an inability to formulate words in coherent sentences, at least that's what his tutor C3-P0 had informed him.

How were his parents always so sure of themselves? Would he grow up to be like that?

 _Thoughtless and pathetic. That's what they really are._

The words stung a bit in his mind. Like being prodded with a sharp stick. Something about them made sense, and the feeling of irritation blossomed in his chest.

 _They're trying to rid themselves of you. They want you to go away._

If there was one thing Ben absolutely didn't want, it was to be alone.

 _Yes, you would be alone. They're abandoning you, pawning you off on your uncle._

"Mother?" Ben said feeling the prickling of tears begin in his eyes. "I don't want to train with Uncle Luke."

Leia looked up from her plate, her eyes wide with surprise.

"But Ben," she began with a touch of exasperation. "You _must_ go train with him. You need someone to help you learn to control your gift."

Ben saw his father's jaw clench a bit at his mother's words, but he said nothing.

"More like a curse," Ben mumbled to himself.

 _Not a curse. A beautiful gift little Ben._

"Ben, don't be like that," Leia responded, her voice firm.

"I don't want to be a Jedi," Ben said his voice rising. "I want to go with dad on his trips. Mom, I want to see the galaxy."

"You're not old enough to make those sorts of decisions for yourself," Leia said.

Han shifted uncomfortably and turned to Leia, "The kid's right honey, he really needs to have the opportunity to come with me sometime."

"Han," Leia said. "You don't understand this like I do. He needs someone to teach him how to control the Force."

 _I could teach you little Ben. I know your true potential._

" _You_ didn't have someone teach you," Han replied resentfully.

"My ability isn't like his," Leia said quietly.

"Why?" Ben asked. "What's different about my ability?"

Leia smiled, but Ben could see the pain in her eyes. "Your ability is much stronger than mine sweetheart."

 _That is one thing she is right about. You are much stronger than your mother or your feeble uncle._

Han rolled his eyes, "He's just a kid. You could give him a chance to enjoy being one. And didn't Luke think that he shouldn't train if he didn't want to?"

 _Your father still doesn't truly believe in the Force does he? Simple minded fool._

The glare Leia gave Han could've melted all of Hoth. "Like I said before, he needs help. Do you know what he did last week?"

 _She's turning him against you._

"What?" Han said leaning forward in his chair and cocking an eyebrow.

"He shattered a droid," Leia said calmly though Ben could feel the anguish in her voice.

 _She's afraid of you, little Ben. And soon your father will be also._

Han's eyes widened, and he turned to look at Ben, his expression one of disbelief.

"Mom! It was an accident; I didn't mean to!" Ben protested, the feeling of unbidden hot tears flowing down his cheeks. "I didn't know I could do that!"

 _Didn't it feel good? Didn't you enjoy the feeling of power?_

"Sweetheart, I know you didn't mean to," Leia replied soothingly. "Why don't you give your dad and me a minute okay? You can go and make sure you're all finished packing."

Ben nods and turning from the table makes his way back to his room to inspect his baggage. Just before he turned the corner, he heard his mother say, "it's a droid now, but it's only a matter of time before it's a person."

 _See, what did I tell you? Shame, shame little Ben._

"Leave me alone," Ben muttered to himself. He hadn't meant to hurt the droid. It was an accident. After a too short holocall with his father, all he had wanted to do was go to his room and cry. But instead of tears, the anger took over, and he had run to the forest. When the droid came whirring after him, beeping that his mother wanted him to come back inside he had lost it. Before he knew it, the droid was lying in a shattered mess on the ground and Ben hadn't even touched it. Not physically anyway.

 _I'll never leave you little Ben. I'll always be here for you. Unlike them._

Ben spent the better part of an hour packing and re-packing, unsure of exactly what he could or should take to the academy. He believed his Uncle to be a rigid minimalist and Ben didn't want to have to get rid of his things once he arrived at the Jedi Academy.

"Ben, it's almost time to go," his mother said as she gently placed her hand on his shoulder.

"Okay," he muttered pulling away, he didn't want her to touch right now, not when it just reminded him of what he was leaving behind. He grabbed his pack and opened it to examine the contents. Everything was still there, but he had the pressing feeling that he had forgotten something.

"Don't forget to put on your coat, space is cold," his mother said.

"I know," Ben replied grudgingly.

He donned his brown leather jacket. It was an almost twin to his father's and had been a birthday present from Chewie, his father's best friend who was more than an uncle to Ben. Chewie was family. Ben couldn't remember a time Chewie wasn't around to offer comfort or support. It was Chewie who would whisk Ben away on the nights that his parent's arguing reached levels Ben couldn't handle.

As they boarded the Falcon, Ben took a last look around his home planet. He would miss it so much.

 _Look well little one; this is the last time you will see your home._

Ben thought the voice was right. He would never come back here. The fear grew in the pit of his stomach until he felt it might gnaw through his insides and fall out onto the ground.


	3. Chapter 3

Ben settled himself in the passenger seat next to the Dejarik table. He hoped he might convince Chewie that his game had improved and he would be a better match this time. Once, his father had told the Wookie to let him win. But, Uncle Chewie didn't like to lose, so Ben was forced to learn new strategies time after time. Still, Chewie always managed to be one step ahead of him and Ben had only once come upon a very hard won victory.

C3-P0 was buckled in beside him, his tutor and the family protocol droid. Ben couldn't stand him. He never really liked droids much, there was something almost too oddly human about them that he couldn't quite get past. And to make matters worse, C3-P0 was always tattling on him, telling Leia everything he did. He couldn't get away with anything.

"Are you securely fastened Master Solo?" The protocol droid asked.

"Yes, I'm buckled," Ben replied rolling his eyes. He wasn't a baby anymore. He didn't need the protocol droid reminding him of everything he needed to do. He was big enough to do things on his own now.

 _Useless creatures, droids._

"Ready to go?" His father called over his shoulder from the pilot's chair.

Chewie growled a joke in response and Ben laughed. Uncle Chewie always made him laugh. The Wookiee had a wit faster than a class 2 hyperdrive. Shyriiwook, the main trade language to the Wookiee's of Kashyyyk was something Ben had grown up hearing and so could understand without the need of a translator. His mother had picked it up some time ago as well and part of Ben loved that no one else on his little planet could understand Shryiiwook. He couldn't speak it as well but he liked to use it as his own secret language.

The rumble of the Falcon coming to life made him grip the seat. He shouldn't be afraid of flying, not after all these years, but there was something about the takeoff that always caused him to grip the seat till his knuckles turned white, when would he stop being so afraid? The heavy thrum of the engines took over and Ben felt his heart racing, pounding away inside his chest. Deep breaths, in and out, that would calm him down.

 _The son of Han Solo shouldn't be afraid of flying._

"I'm not afraid," Ben mumbled to himself loosening his grip on the seat just a bit.

 _Don't speak out loud to me._

 _Speak to me in your mind little one._

 _Do you want them to know about me?_

 _I'm not afraid,_ Ben thought but he still felt the flutter in his chest as the Falcon ascended. It didn't settle until they were preparing for hyperdrive and he was able to regulate his breathing.

When they shifted to a steady motion rather than the constant turning and twisting of flight that Ben had never quite managed to get used to, he was able to unbuckle and trudge to his room. He desperately wanted to settle into his bunk in the space he called his own aboard the Falcon. His father had left it untouched in the months that he had been gone and Ben was happy to find his holopad set on the shelf built into the bunk. He decided that for a long flight like this he might enjoy the calming feeling that reading always gave him.

He climbed onto the bunk and shivered. His mother was right. Space was cold. Ben had grabbed a blanket for himself and wrapped it around him as he pull the holopad from the shelf and pressed it on. The charge was low but it ought to provide an adequate distraction from the press of space and feeling of the chill dank air. He thumbed through the list of books that have been uploaded to the pad and maked his selection. He chose a history story about the royal family of Alderaan. He liked reading those types of books because they reminded him of the stories his mother told him.

A soft ache in his chest blooms, bringing him back to reality, _mother._ How will he survive without her? She is the one constant in his life, the one keeping him grounded. She promised to visit, she promised that they would talk every day. But, deep inside Ben could feel the lie in those words. At least she was able to take the time to travel with them to the Academy. 

_She will be too busy for you._

 _Her time will be spent with others more deserving._

 _The Senate is where her heart truly lies._

The words sting. But, Ben could feel the truth in them. As much as his mother may wish to have him always close, he knows that she will become buried in her work. It was hard enough for her to manage staying at home with him. It seemed like any chance she got to help with the New Republic and the Galactic Senate she was gone.

Sometimes she took Ben with her, but mostly he was left under the watchful eye of C3-P0, who never allowed any fun. Those weeks were boring and Ben found himself getting lost in the world of his imagination, until the creeping claws dug into his mind and he felt the migraines coming. When he read too much about the Jedi or when he dreamt of what it might be like to finally become a Jedi. The claws twisted and dug in their grip. That was when Ben's mind felt like it was shattering and he would find himself a private place to lay down and cry.

The protocol droid would always find him and always ask him what was the matter. Ben always responded that it was a headache and nothing more. The droid would still tut over him and chide him for every tear and then Ben's thoughts would turn to how he might like to dismember the droid, particularly how funny it might look with no arms.

The claws would then pull out and Ben would hear the soft and welcoming voice encouraging him to do just that. Rip the arms off the droid and feel the pleasure it would bring. Feel how the power would ripple through him in delicious waves of ecstasy as he dismembered him with his mind. Ben had almost done it once, almost pulled the arms from the droid, but then he thought of his mother and how upset it would make her. He didn't want to upset her, but he also didn't want to get in trouble.

 _But think of how good it might feel._

 _The power growing inside you._

 _Give in. Just a little._

But Ben was strong, he would not hurt intentionally. He told himself that he would never hurt someone on purpose, it just wasn't in his blood. His mother and father had taught him the morality of the galaxy. You didn't hurt someone unless it was in self-defense.

With that thought clear in his mind Ben could feel the weight of his eyelids as he began to drift to sleep.


End file.
